OK, fellas. Bring it in. Got something for you. It's the preseason USA Today Amway Coaches Poll. Just came out today. From the looks of it, wow. You guys suck.
Yeah, I know, but this isn't the AP Poll. This isn't a bunch of pencil-neck, pencil-pushing sports writers and empty-headed talking-head sportscasters who aren't athletic enough to be kickers.
These are coaches. Head coaches. They've stood across the field from you on Saturdays, broken you down on film since you were in high school. They think they know you pretty well, and you know what they think? You're just not good enough.
Talk about disrespect. Hey, Alabama. The coaches clearly think nothing has changed since that January earthquake in northern California swallowed you up. They made Clemson No. 1 by a mile, and they made you the south end of a north-bound Halloween costume. Can you say Tiger bait?
They gave Clemson 59 of the 65 first-place votes. They gave you six. I'm not a math major, but 59-6 is even worse than 44-16. So either Trevor Lawrence has gotten better over the summer or Tua, you've gotten worse. Or both.
So what? Now what?
Don't laugh, Auburn. Those coaches ain't exactly riding for your brand, either. Getting picked 16th in the nation doesn't sound all that bad until you check the fine print. The coaches slotted you sixth in the SEC behind No. 2 Alabama, No. 3 Georgia, No. 6 LSU, No. 8 Florida and No. 11 Texas A&M.
Guess what? You have to play every one of those teams. Throw in No. 13 Oregon, and apparently, about half the FBS coaches in the country got together and agreed that half the teams on your schedule are better than you. Have fun going 6-6.
You don't have any reason to smirk either, UAB. I tracked down my reading glasses and dragged out my microscope, and I still couldn't find you in the poll, even in the bargain bin of Others Receiving Votes.
How bad is that? Do the math, and 57 different teams across the country, from the Sun Belt to the Mountain West, got at least one vote. Troy, in your state, got one vote. North Texas, in your league, got three points, which means one coach voted the Mean Green 23rd or three coaches voted them 25th or whatever. Not the point.
Here's the point: Seven coaches in your league, seven coaches that watched you win Conference USA last season, participated in that poll. None of them, not Butch Davis of FIU, UTEP's Dana Dimel, Tyson Helton of Western Kentucky, Marshall's Doc Holliday, Jay Hopson of Southern Miss, Seth Litttrell of North Texas or MTSU's Rick Stockstill, threw you a bone with a single 25th-place vote.
Your coach, Bill Clark, didn't get to vote, and you guys didn't get a vote. Obviously there's a whole bunch of coaches out there who expect you guys to return … to the days of Garrick McGee.